The latest

Well, we had our house inspection on Friday, and it all went off without a hitch. There are a few plugs with reverse polarity and a couple other small issues that we'll deal with after we close. It's happening in earnest.

I had a total meltdown - like total - on Wednesday night. Instead of celebrating our love, I spent the night crying out loud. The stress of the house buying just blew up over a very stupid request from the bank granting our mortgage. I got a raise on April 1 and they wanted me to submit a written statement explaining why it happened gradually over two paychecks. It happened gradually because it was effective on April 1, but April 1 was in the middle of a pay period, so one paycheck was partially my old rate and partially my new rate. My telling them this was not enough. I had to write a statement about it.

I don't know why this made me insane, but it totally did. I was actually howling from it.

It was, I guess, the last straw. I have given those people just about everything they could possibly want from me short of a blood sample. They took copies of my tax returns, pay stubs, then even more pay stubs. I signed forms, then more forms, then even more forms. I wanted to shout at them, "This raise means I will have more money to pay you back. What's wrong with you people?" Instead, I shouted and cried out loud. Scott lost patience with me for a little while, which scared me because he generally has an unending well of patience, but in retrospect, I can see why. I was completely out of my goddamned mind.

The good news is that I'm back in my mind. The other good news is that I ran into an acquaintance who recently went through a very similar situation and told me that she lost her mind for a while too. This gave me great comfort.

Scott and I both took the whole day off on Friday for the inspection and I'm glad we did. We were both so exhausted from all the recent madness that we came home after the inspection and slept all afternoon.

I've also gotten a lot of bad news lately. It seems like people are dropping like flies. Generally speaking, I'm not surrounded by death or disease, but lately people are falling ill or dropping dead. It's been taking a toll on my outlook.

I don't know if I mentioned that the bastard plantar fasciitis is back, but it is. I stopped having pain of any kind, became too excited about it, went for a regular walk and was fine, and then went for a too-vigorous walk and was decidedly not fine. I saw the podiatrist and I'm sort of starting over, which is disheartening, but okay, I guess. This time I at least know what works and what doesn't. I should get over it much more quickly - and when I do, I'll be sure not to go for any vigorous walks and will opt instead for bike rides.

My massage therapist who I see for painful massages about the feet suggested that I consider having a regular full-body massage to help me cope with all the stress I'm under. At first I was kind of thinking that she was too smooth an operator and she was trying to capitalize on my stress (she is an extremely smooth operator), but then I realized it was a good idea. I called her today and she had an opening and now I'm a little bit slimy, but I feel much better.

I'm off to pick up a Mother's Day present for a lady who deserves more presents than I can give her. My mother has been dealing with about a thousand more stressful things that I have PLUS she's been hauling around No-legs, who, incidentally, is a bigger asshole than he's ever been. I wish there was some kind of putting-up-with-more-bullshit-than-anyone-else award because that lady would win it in spades. That he's still alive defies modern science; that my mother puts up with his bullshit proves she's got more compassion than just about anyone alive. She'd give the Dalai Llama a run for his money.

Anyway, that's about as meandering as an update could be. We've covered a number of topics and I think we're done.

Look what craigslist did

On this day in 2006 at 1:30 p.m., I had a blind date with a fellow at Haymarket. He didn't show up until 1:40, seemed scattered, had paint on his ear, wore boots with shorts and, frankly, didn't ring my bell. I looked into his eyes and thought, "Here's a guy I will never see again."

A few hours after our date, I did see him again at the intersection of Main and King. He was by Silverscape and I was by the courthouse. I crossed to the Sweeties side of the street and kept my head turned so that he wouldn't notice me. I didn't want to complicate things by talking to him again.

I bumped into JBo at the Stop & Shop and told her about the date. We assigned him a name and decided that I should probably send him my non-rejection rejection e-mail -- "It was nice meeting you; good luck in the future" -- or not e-mail him at all.

But then, later that same day, I got an e-mail from him that was the sweetest e-mail I ever got in my life. Also the scariest, because this guy figured out in about 90 minutes what it took me five years of quality therapy to figure out about myself. It certainly gave me pause. "Maybe I ought to give this guy another chance," I thought.

And, well, I'm glad I did.

He is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I am extraordinarily fortunate to have him. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I almost didn't have that initial date. I almost dismissed him out of hand. If he hadn't written me that e-mail, I might not have written him. It gives me a pain about the heart to think of all this beauty I could have missed.

Scott Welsch, you make me the happiest I've ever been. Happy second first-date-iversary, darling.

Compassion where I least expected it

Scott and I watched American Experience: George H.W. Bush last night and tonight.

To be more precise, Scott watched last night's program while I slept through about ¾ of it. We watched the second and final episode tonight.

I always welcome an opportunity to develop compassion for someone, particularly when it's a person I don't like. I don't often turn up liking them, but I enjoy understanding their point of view a little better.

This program was so well done that I wrote an e-mail to the producers telling them so the moment it was over (about 10 minutes ago) and I'd like to encourage you to see it if you haven't already. Check your local PBS listing for a rebroadcast date.

Of course they glossed over some serious problems with the Bush 41 presidency, and that's to be expected in a piece like this, but they showed him in a very human light -- a light I don't think he ever showed himself in. It was a refreshing change of scenery.

Also, in my head, I've lumped the George Bushes together, but George H.W. was no moron. I have a decidedly different world view, by and large, from him, but he made every move with deep thought and he acted with the courage of his convictions.

Old Dubya acts with the courage of his convictions too, but I don't think he's had a deep thought in his life. They actually showed a photo of Dubya and H.W. together in the oval office and Dubya was smirking and acting a fool and H.W. was super classy.

I suppose this will be no surprise to you, but I was weeping openly at the end of this program, so much so that the Count had to do a little mocking. I can't say I blame him.

Anyway, I recommend you watch this program if you can catch it.

Thank you and good night.

Lard-asses Anonymous

Remember a couple years ago I invented Lard-asses Anonymous, the support group for lard asses who are trying to get in shape? Remember, we were supposed to meet once a week and talk about everything that was troubling us about being and trying not to be a lard ass, and then we were going to take a group walk?

I never really got it off the ground, I'm sorry to say. I contacted some of my lard-ass friends and everyone seemed into it, but then I was confounded by the bastard plantar fasciitis and couldn't go for walks and it seemed like it wouldn't work out.

I'm wondering if any lard asses out there might like to give it another whirl with me. I can't walk yet (I tried and hurt myself bad), but I can ride my bike. Maybe group bike rides?

I think making bike rides a social occasion could be just the ticket. Maybe?

If you're in, e-mail me. I've been frequenting the Manhan rail trail, but will go nearly anywhere so long as it isn't too hilly.

More about advice

Remember a couple days ago I was talking about people giving me advice like I was a moron?

I would like to make clear that I'm not anti-advice. I'm just anti- people talking to me like I'm a moron. I think JBo's comment on that post are exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. "Make sure you know the address." Indeed!

There's been a new bit of business which is people looking at me like I'm a moron for using a realtor. It's a waste of money, they say. What the fuck?

Seriously, this is the first time (and maybe even the only time if we're lucky) I'm buying a house. I took a class, sure, but other than that series of checklists and sample contracts, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm glad there's a nice lady who gets paid to tell me what I'm supposed to be doing and when.

"Without realtors, you can negotiate a lower purchase price because the seller won't have to pay them."

Okay, except that without my realtor, I'd be floundering in the dark over here. I can't believe anyone would suggest that a first-time home buyer should not engage the services of a qualified and licensed realtor. Seriously? I mean, come on!

Thank you. That is all.

I have to develop a callous (first I have to grow some skin!)

I went to my bank this afternoon to have money taken from my savings account and turned into a bank check in the amount of my down payment.

I was at the radio station this morning getting ready to leave and do that very thing and I started feeling shaky just thinking about it. I was having a bit of anxiety and ended up talking about it with my buddy Jeff. We talk every Saturday after my radio show for a little bit. He's on the air right after me at our sister station. It's funny how we've made friends just from talking casually for about 10 minutes every Saturday.

Anyway, I was saying to Jeff that I knew I'd be a little anxious about all the house-buying bullshit because I'm an anxious person in general, but I was surprised to be freaking out just giving a person a check. It's just that it's so much money. And it's not that much money in the grand scheme of things. But it took me SO LONG to save - I've been saving for damned near forever - and even though I have been saving for this very purpose, handing a sizable check to someone is a big deal.

He totally agreed with me, which was helpful.

I went to the bank and asked for a bank check. I told the teller that I was buying my first house and I was freaking out a little. Turns out she's buying her first house too, so she had the empathy. I had to fill out a form with all the information about the bank check, and as I was signing the paper, I thought, "Jesus Christ, I'm going to start crying."

She started entering everything in to the computer to get the check going. She double-checked spelling and made sure everything was right. The longer I stood there, the more my eyes filled up. I was in a total state of panic.

I was thinking about thousands of things about the house, but mostly I was thinking about how much money it is.

Of all the things I worry about, money is probably number one. I'm wired to worry about money. I cannot escape worrying about money to matter how hard I try - even when I have plenty of money. You can imagine my state of mind getting this check cut.

Up until this point, I kept my tears in my eyes, but when the teller walked over to get the check off the printer, it was basically over. I was crying; tears flowed in earnest.

She put the check in an envelope and handed it to me and I could hardly thank her for the tears. She smiled at me and said, "Good luck, Jen."

(Aside: I go to one of those banks that insists on calling you by name, but they want it to seem familiar and friendly, so they shorten your name into a nickname no one calls you.)

I gurgled something back to her and ran out to the car and cried out loud for a few minutes. Then I drove over to Margaret and Jeremy's and cried at their kitchen table.

Margaret said that from now on everything is going to cost a thousand dollars or some multiple of a thousand dollars and I'll need to develop a callous to it or I'm going to lose my mind. I know she's right. I just don't know how I'll afford anything ever again.

How am I going to make it through the closing without panicking and crying out loud?

I'm just not going to. I've met myself a few times and I know myself well enough to know that I'm going to panic and weep through every part of this process.

Here's the balm for my weary soul: I'm not just spending this down payment money. It's an investment. This house is a great bargain. I'm in an excellent position. I'm doing the right thing.

As Jeff said to me while I was coming undone at the station, "Deep cleansing breaths, Jennifer. Deep cleansing breaths."

Welcome, other Jennifer Myszkowskis!

Today, for the first time ever, one of the other Jennifer Myszkowskis contacted me. She used my lousy myspace page to do it. I don't care how she found me, I'm just glad she did. She's from Pennsylvania. I'm not sure that she's on my list of Jennifer Myszkowskis I found on the Internet by way of Google, but she's on my list now!

Soon, my not-so-secret Jennifer Myszkowski Reunion* fantasy will come to pass. Soon, a room full of ladies named Jennifer Myszkowski will mix and mingle in a casual and friendly way. Each will wear a nametag that says, "Jennifer Myszkowski", just so that the rest of us will know who she is.

Who's next? I've really got my eye on Dr. Jenny the pediatrician from Michigan.

If your name is Jennifer Myszkowski, consider e-mailing me: jennifer at jennifer myszkowski dot com. Let's make the Jennifer Myszkowski Reunion* a reality!

*Yes, I know it's not a reunion since none of us have met yet. Who cares! It's a funny name for a party.

Not cigarette-y enough

Just now we were driving home from comedy down Dwight Street. We were stopped at the light at 7eleven when I peered over to the car next to me all casual-like.

There was a guy alone in a car and he was smoking. He was smoking one of those cigarettes that looks like a cigar, but is way too skinny to be a cigar, but is too big to be a cigarette. You know, the kind that old men smoke. It was the kind my cousins' other grandpa (not No-legs) smoked.

The thing is, this guy was maybe 21. And he wasn't smoking it like a person who smokes cigarettes generally does. It was just hanging out of his mouth all James Dean like, except it was too long and too not cigarette-y to be anything like James Dean.

Also, he was driving some kind of crappy car James Dean wouldn't be caught dead in.

I couldn't take the incongruity. I started laughing so hard that I cried at the wheel. I don't think he knew I was laughing at him, but Scott suspects he knew because he took off like a bat out of hell as soon as the light turned green.

Even after we parked the car and came in the house I was laughing. In fact, I'm still laughing now.

When you're buying a house, everyone wants to give you advice

People dressed as clowns are pouring out of miniature cars to line up at our door and give us advice about buying a house and home ownership in general.

Mostly, people are giving us good advice. But there a coupla people who clearly think I'm a moron.


Yes, we're getting the house inspected. Yes! Of course! I almost want to hire a sky writer so I don't have to say it ever again. First of all, it's practically the law. Second, every single publication aimed towards first-time home buyers contains a large-print, boldfaced section that screams, "Get a home inpsection, you moron!"


I know people give advice because they care, but - man! - it's a hard pill to swallow, the one where you realize people think you're a moron.

Speaking of our home inspection, we scheduled ours for next Friday, but the sellers are asking us to move it up and I'm not sure we can. After some research, I picked a seriously awesome inspector who I think is top notch. So do other people, it turns out, which is why he's booked up until next Friday. They gave me first available. Anyway, I hope it works out.

I started to freak out a little bit this afternoon about it, but then I went for a bike ride instead. Did I tell you my podiatrist gave me the a-okay for riding the actual bike? Well, he did. In any event, there was proper exercise and no throwing up or crying.

(Kelsey, we will never lose out-loud and in-public weeping to maturity. I mean, really. It's me!)

OMG! It's happening! (This time it might be true!)

The house is ours! It's ours!

Other people bid, but they bid lower than we did. We bid the asking price because we knew it was a steal and that other people would bid below asking. I just found out today!

I logged onto the MLS site and they already put it under "Off Market". It's happening for realz!

Not only is it a great house, it's a great party house. We will be able to have the actual BEST parties ever. It's got a great yard and a great basement with a pool table and ping-pong table that come with it! Holy hell! It's happening!

I'm a little disappointed to be moving out of Ward 4, but we're only moving to 6B. It's just around the corner. Ward 6 is the ward of such former dignitaries as former-councilor, former-mayoral-candidate and all-around good guy Mark Lubold. Precinct B is the home of such lady friends as Foofy von Doofy. I'm surrounded by friends! We're surrounded by friends!

I stopped by Scott's work today to tell him the big news and he was basically stone-faced and unaffected. He said, "I'll believe it after the inspection." And, indeed, we'll see what happens after the inspection, but I can't imagine there are any deal breakers a-brewing in this joint. It's all out in the open. The place was empty and spotless. If there were something huge, I think we might have discovered it ourselves.

Anyway, we're still going to need a tear-up-the-floor party and we're going to need to have the floors underneath refinished, but that's no big whoop.

We'll have the inspection next week some time, then we'll have the closing, then we'll have the floors refinished and paint what needs to be painted, then we'll move in!

We are looking to acquire a gas stove and a proper refrigerator. If you've got any leads on either of these things, please let a lady know.

I'm so excited! And not barfing at all.